Dead Babies

One of the not so fun parts of studying has been going through the grief and loss sections of reading. The things I've had to read, pictures, etc. have not been easy. But I'm glad I'm reading it because I'd not go there otherwise, and I know someday, I'll have to deal with it in one way or another.

I've finished the communications module. Just a 10 page reflection paper, which should take me a week or so to do, get it graded, and then I should pass the whole module. I started with this module in particular because it has to be completed before I attend any certification births.

Still no word on if I'll be attending the birth in March. I have passed on some info they've requested, so at least I know they're reading!

First Client Interview

Tuesday's meeting went great! Dayton said I'm a pro already, at least with the teaching part =) The potential clients, "J" and "S", have been attending a childbirth class at their hospital but were very disappointed from the lack of substantial information and also very uneasy after only being shown scary birth videos. They had so many questions that were not answered unti our meeting. They do not agree on much when it comes to childbirth. He believes God created women's bodies to do as He designed. She is focused only on the pain and how to not have any. I encouraged them to build a birth plan that both would be happy with.

I have sent them a sample birth plan and other things they requested. They are also reading a couple books I've recommended. I hope to have an answer soon! I'm still trying not to get my hopes up too much because they could still say no. "J" really wants me there because he trusts in my readings, experiences, etc.. "S" is not sure because she just doesn't know what to think yet and hasn't read much.

I'll keep you posted.

Today's the Big Day

I've done all the cramming and studying I can do to prep for my first client/doula interview. Hopefully what I've learned will help and not hinder the conversations.

The house is almost clean - though just noticed Grace drew on the sofa cover with a pen... and after picking up the playmat on the rug noticed it was in great need of a vaccuum. Dinner will be easy. Reheat the spaghetti sauce, boil noodles, make salad and garlic bread. Dessert will be vanilla icecream with a choice of rootbeer (Dayton's request) or strawberries. Dinners usually aren't done at interviews, but it's Valentine's Day!

I was trying to figure out the best set up for the talking time and realized it'll be nighttime, and the main overhead light is not working! Dayton's going to have to run home during his planning period to fix it because if he waits until after school, they'll be here already, and that would be... just embarrassing!

On another note, our maid (Puk) called and said her mother is dying (this has been going on for some time) and had to leave immediately. She'll be gone for at least 2 weeks. I usually save company cleanup for her on Wednesday, but I'll just have to do all the cleanup, and the laundry, ironing, mopping, and bathrooms she usually does. Puk does not seem sad, just stressed. She's the main caretaker for her parents and I think is just ready for this to be over. She has 3 daughters.

Baby Catcher

"Birth is normal until proven otherwise." Peggy Vincent's book, Baby Catcher is amazing! I just finished reading it and was moved. It shows the joys of catching babies, the heartache, the stress, the affect on a midwife's family, and more. Definitely not for the squeamish though!

Hmmm, now which book to read next... Food for Thought by Susan Jen. I have to finish my health certification too.

Communications Module

This post was supposed to be part 2 of Isaiah's birth, but I haven't had the time. I have a client interview on Tuesday and am prepping for that. I've been working full speed through the communications module (2 out of 7 units done) to at least be partially prepared. I have learned so much! This course is teaching me stuff that I can apply to any situation... not just childbirth! I like that the program is from an international viewpoint because it the units on Birth and Culture will help with working here.

Aaargh. Broke one of my toes tonight while turning quickly from the bathroom into the living room to pop a pacifier back in the baby's mouth. Went to the freezer to find something cold to put on it. Found an icepack that was supposed to be used for Isaiah's birth but never got used. Well at least it didn't go to waste!

Oh, and Isaiah's crawling now!


He's such a silly, happy baby... with a lot of hair! Got that from me!

It has begun!!!

As of today, I am officially signed up and studying with CBI!! I'll find out next week if I have my first client. Please pray that she'll say yes =)

Homebirth Preparations

When I found out I was pregnant (due Sept. 1st... again), I resigned myself to the knowledge that this birth would probably be no different from the first. I had no options other than to use the same hospital, same conservative doctor, but hopefully renovated birthing suite. I called Jan, the midwife who taught our childbirth classes, to tell her the good news. We talked about Grace's birth and what I wanted out of this one. I jokingly told her the only way I could do better would be to do a homebirth, but it wasn't possible here. In a very elusive way, she mentioned that she'd be willing to help me out in that area.

To be a foreigner who is a doctor, nurse, midwife, etc., it is almost impossible to practice legally. They have to not only be trained and certified in their own country but also pass (in Thai!) the same exams here. Impossible. So Jan was working as a childbirth educator, doula, etc.. and when the occasion came along, catching a baby, too. She's an Australian nurse-midwife with years of experience there and in Korea.

I told her I wasn't sure homebirth was really for me. At 20 weeks along, I called her and said maybe I did want a homebirth because I was unhappy with all of the unnecessary ultrasounds and tests I had to do. She said that if I was still interested to give her a call at 32 weeks. My parents came for a visit, bringing an emergency homebirth kit with them. This was important to me because Grace's birth came so fast once I was in true labor. The difference was that we now live 1hr from the hospital on a good day, plus I was due during rainy season when our streets go completely under water. I would much rather give birth at home than in a filthy taxi if I didn't make it to the hospital!

At 34 weeks, I went to a BAMBI (Babies and Mothers of Bangkok International) meeting and heard Jan teaching new moms about labor pain management. I found myself nodding along, agreeing with everything she said, and realizing that truly, I could do this at home. I told her afterwards that Dayton wasn't convinced so it was a no-go at this point. One week later, after Dayton read a lot and realized it was a better choice, he agreed. I called Jan who wanted to meet with both of us to make sure Dayton wasn't being dragged into it all!

So at 36 weeks, I scheduled an appointment with her, followed by a regular prenatal appointment with my doctor. Dayton and I went, we talked about risks vs. benefits, she listened to the baby's heartbeat, checked for proteins in the urine, and we were done. We did not sign a contract because she was not legally providing services. We just supplied an indemnity agreement later on so she wouldn't be held liable if anything bad happened. And we agreed to not say anything about our homebirth to anyone that could get her in trouble and deported. What a sad thing that a country cannot recognize the need for improvements in their medical standards by allowing foreigners to practice... but that's a whole other post!

Next stop of that day, we went to see my doctor. Dayton was amazed that I could pee in a cup less than 30 minutes after I'd already peed in a cup for Jan. Hey, a pregnant woman can pee on demand!! After getting yet another ultrasound just to check heartbeat, I asked him if the baby was head down. He said he didn't want to make a mistake so used the U/S again! If Jan, a midwife of 30years can tell just by palpitation, yet a doctor of 30years cannot, that was it for us. We knew for sure then that a homebirth was what we definitely wanted. We never did tell the doctor our plans for a homebirth. He just assumed after the fact that it was an accident. We went home and started collecting our homebirth supplies. 2 rubbermaid tubs full of towels, sheets, chux pads, blankets, etc. I had fun!

The next post... Isaiah's birth

Grace's Birthstory

Grace was due Sept. 1, 2003. I went in on the due date for the NST (non-stress test) and only had one or 2 contractions, but not strong.

I went in again on Sept. 4th for another checkup. I was 3cm dilated because of the strong regular BH contractions I'd been having for 2 weeks. I don't remember losing my mucus plug, so I think it came out slowly. The nurses hooked me up to the NST again, came in and checked after 20 minutes, looked at the printout sheet and had the doctor come in. He said, you're having real contractions, you're in labor. When you're done here (I was in the L&D unit for the NST), come back down to my office. (My doc's office is at the hospital... that's how it's done here).

So I go back down to his office, and it's 1pm. I tell him I feel absolutely nothing and I feel fine. He said that I was in labor and I'd be having the baby that day. I'm thinking "yeah right". So I said to him, "I'm going home to get my husband, my suitcase, and my best friend, and I'll be back before rush hour traffic starts."

I'd been told not to go to the hospital anyway until the contractions were about 5min. apart. Not good to go too early or you get too many interventions. So I go home. I call my husband "D" and best friend Amy and say, "The doctor says I'm in labor, I feel nothing, but I guess we should go in." So we meet at my house at 3pm. I call my parents to say pray for us since we're going in. I still feel NOTHING. To me it's just BH contractions.

Get back to the hospital around 5pm. They hook me up to the NST, contractions are 10min. apart. I feel NOTHING. I eat dinner, walk around the hospital with best friend ("D" went out to grocery store across the street). I still feel NOTHING. By this time, I'm like... "What am I doing here! I'm not in labor, it's a false alarm, I wanna go home!" How embarrassing to be there for NO REASON!

The nurses tell me that when the contractions get to be 5min. apart that they'll check me again. Around 8pm, the "BH contraxs" to me were 5 min. They check me... I'm 3cm dilated... and I feel NOTHING. They suggest to me that I go lay down and try to sleep. I decide to take a shower first. I throw up in the shower because I'm so nervous!! Maybe nervous because I really didn't think I needed to be there? But the shower was relaxing and I got to sleep around 9pm. "D" is napping on the sofa in the room. Amy is watching a movie on her laptop.

11:07pm, I feel SOMETHING! My first painful contraction. NOTE: This is when I consider my labor to begin. 11:15, a HUGE contraction, and my water breaks all over the bed. So glad not at home. I yell "My water broke!!" The lights go on, I jump off the bed and run to the toilet so I wouldn't be so wet. Well, I got to the toilet and realized the contractions were so strong that I couldn't walk. Talk about going 0 to 60 in 5 minutes! So they wheel me down to the labor suite. I lean on the bed during contractions, I kneel, I try everything but no relief. I ask for the birthing pool around 1am. All of my pain is centered on my tailbone at that point. I get into the pool, moaning LOUDLY (I'm sure the whole hospital heard me), and after 5 contractions realize that this isn't going to work. I can't seem to find a comfortable position without floating. If they'd checked my dilation first, they could've told me I was entering transition and that the pain relief would be less effective. At least getting in and out of the water got me distracted.

So I go lay on the big bed (nice birthing suite... only natural birthing suite in all of SE Asia... lucky me!). Amy reminds me that I'm going to lose my voice if I keep moaning so loud. She helped me get in control by breathing in through my nose and out by my mouth. My OB hears me from down the hall and comes in to push me into agreeing to Demerol. ( My mom had to take a valium with me!!) It calms me down enough to actually relax between contractions and focus on breathing during. It gave no pain relief. I'd been taught that laboring in bed was bad, but my tailbone was so bad that laying on my right side and the nurse midwife manipulating my tailbone during contractions helped more. Around 3am I muttered that it felt better to push during the contraction. Amy asked me to repeat it and then she announced to the nurses that I felt like pushing. They check me and I'm ready to push.

3:15am. So, they try to get me to push while laying on my side. That was stupid. I insist on getting out of the bed. The demerol had worn off and I was actually relaxed and excited to be pushing. I tried the birthing stool but I couldn't get low enough. It's also at this time that I see a roach on the floor... hey it's SE Asia, the hospital is clean, but they still can get in. I even thought it was funny at the moment... especially the doc taking off his slipper and chasing it!! I decide that the best position for pushing is squatting on the floor. "D" sits on the bed behind me while I'm leaning against him on the floor. Contractions slowed down to 3 to 5 minutes apart. Pushing felt great.... like I was getting something accomplished. Looking back, pushing was 100x better than the contractions.

I remember feeling that "ring of fire" as she was crowning... Amy said isn't this where you're not supposed to push to not tear? The doctor was like nah, just push, so instead of helping me out, I tore (another pissed off story I'll write at another time!). He had the nerve to tell her, "If you're gonna tear, you're gonna tear." What a load of crap. Anyway...

3:42am, there she/he is! Less than half an hour of pushing! They ask me if I want to hold it and I say no way... I'm too shaky from being in the squatting position for so long. I ask if it's a boy or girl. Doctor says, You tell me. And I see it's a girl! Welcome Grace Elizabeth!


I layed down on the bed and then held her and tried to nurse her. She was more interested in looking around. "D" stuck out his tongue and she even copied! I birthed the placenta, got 3 stitches, and was so tired! "D" fell asleep on the floor, I fell asleep on the bed. Amy ended up holding Grace for the next hour!! Around 7am I transferred back to my room.

And that's the story of Grace's birth. I'm still amazed that I felt NOTHING when I was supposedly in labor until my water broke. Turned out to be 4.5 hours of labor with half an hour of that pushing. Overall I'm very happy with the experience of her birth.


Fast foward 2.5 years, with hours of reading and education later, and now with a totally different view point. At the time I thought it was a great birth, and it was compared to how most women birth, but I can still see so many things that went wrong. #1 - I should've waited at home and gone to the hospital after my water broke. #2 - I should've walked to the L&D room and all over the place. #3 - I should've tried more positions in the birthing pool. #4 - I should have NEVER layed back down on that bed! #5 - I shouldn't have gotten Demerol because it made me in such a haze, Grace wouldn't nurse well, and I didn't seem to care what was going on other than I wanted a nap. #6 - I shouldn't have pushed through the pain to ge the baby out... should've not pushed and let her slip out so I wouldn't tear.

I really think that as a first time mom, I did well, but if I'd had a trained doula (labor assistant), not just a friend who'd never had a baby there, I would've been encouraged to try different things to manage the pain. I also would've known the risks involved with a narcotic (Demerol) and known to ask dilation to see how much longer it would've taken.

I also wish we'd declined the Vitamin K shot. I wish she'd roomed in with me instead of sending her off to the nursery so much. I really feel like there wasn't much bonding. I didn't even have a chance to change a diaper until we brought her home. The first few weeks were not good. I couldn't sit well due to the stitches, Grace wouldn't breastfeed correctly (until I get help), and I got mono. After she started eating well, it got better.

All of her birth was a learning experience, and I took a completely different route the next time...

Here's a current picture of Grace:

My Goals

2 more children fit somewhere into the scheme of this...
And I'm sure the dates will change

Feb 2006 - enroll with CBI (Childbirth International) Doula and Childbirth Educator program

June 2006 - finish certificates in Natural Living and Natural Health with HAcres

June 2007 - finish CBI training unless certification births not available

June 2007 - enroll with AAMI (Ancient Art Midwifery Institute), beginning with their ITM (Intro to Midwifery) course

Dec 2007 - finish ITM

Jan 2008 - enroll with AAMI's midwifery program or NMI (National Midwifery Institute)

June 2012 - finish AAMI course, apprentice, take NARM exam during our 1 year sabbatical in the US

August 2013 - return to SE Asia and begin legal process to practice midwifery while teaching CBE and labor assisting

Receiving Books

Amazon is amazing! I ordered 4 books, and it took only a week for the first 2 to arrive and then another 3 days for the next 2 to come! They're all books I've been wanting for a while to help me with my midwifery quest.

The Doula Advantage It'll help me with doula skills while working towards the MW goal.

Baby Catcher Story of a midwife.

Spiritual Midwifery It's an Ina May Gaskins book with great info. And I love the birth pictures in it... hippies. I swear one of the pages they look my parents!

Hearts and Hands It's a midwife textbook with all the basics. I figure if I learn it really well, then I'll maybe be able to shadow someone working here. Then I can learn more from them.

At some point, I need to post how I've come to want to be a midwife. I'll post my own birth stories, too. Also will post my general timeframe for meeting my goals.

Welcome!

Welcome to my first blog! Give me a few days to get all the settings right, and then I'll get to posting.